Shaney B’s 5 Shane-nanigans

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By Shane Beckley

WALESKA, Ga – When Friday rolls around, the atmosphere of Reinhardt’s quaint campus transforms into a ghost town fit for a John Wayne movie. Our already small population, of 1,478 enrolled students, drops to a mere third of this number, if that. Everybody packs their bags and heads home for the weekend, because what is there to do in Waleska anyway?

Those of us left are blessed with the choice of practically any parking spot our hearts desire and the extinction of the Gordy dining line. So maybe the food isn’t as good as mama’s cooking, but by god you are still going to the café, because you haven’t seen a human face since your roommate drove off and you retreated to your cave to watch endless episodes of Black Mirror and Stranger things. So you find yourself sitting at the café waiting, hoping, praying that someone you know lost their keys, got in a fight with their parents, or just doesn’t have enough gas money to get home. If any of these unfortunate events come true for that someone, they might just walk in and actually sit with you. Despite a positive outcome of company for lunch, the excitement of Gordy is short lived. There is only so much time you can fill with mashed potatoes, turnip greens, and Salisbury steak. Even after you’ve already gone to get seconds and cleaned out the ice-cream machine you begin contemplating whether or not you can take twenty minutes to eat a bowl of cereal just to pass the time. All of this contemplation almost takes the joy out of eating altogether, but what else is there to do? How are you going to make it through another weekend in Waleska where the biggest action we’ve gotten in weeks is a mysterious package at the post office? How? How? How? Well my fellow Eagles, I give you Shaney B’s Top 5 Shane -nanigans to keep you busy during a weekend here at Waleska.

#1. Go to a sports game. Not only is it your duty as a proud student of Reinhardt to go cheer on your fellow classmates as they fight for division titles, championships and bragging rights, but it also can be fun. I promise. If you aren’t the cheering type, simply go sit quietly and disappear in the crowd. Who knows what will happen if you drag yourself out of your bed and get out there. You may see that cute crush you have been stalking over social media for the past week, or maybe find yourself a new group of friends who invites you to a post-game party. If nothing else, think of the children. Do you really want to have to tell your kids and their kids that all you did during your collegiate career was complete twenty-two seasons on Netflix in only twenty weeks?

#2. Ever heard the call of the wild? Looked out your window and gotten giddy? Nearly turned on by the whispering wind? If so, Reinhardt’s campus provides you nature lovers with the perfect fix. The University grounds have extensive trails that go miles into the back country of the Blue ridge mountains. If traveled on far enough, you may even un-expectantly end up in someone’s back yard. Signs that read Beware of the Dog should be posted, however, this isn’t the case. For that reason, you get the pleasure of discovering canine beasts on your own. Even with such perils and dangers, the trails are worth every step. If one should do enough searching, they will find the trails hold hidden treasures. One included can be found hanging from a tree. As well as the winding trails, Reinhardt also offers the Funk Heritage Museum. Don’t like people? No problem, skip the museum part and head to the back where one can find a replicated version of a colonial residence cast iron anvil and all. Be careful though, because you don’t want to get caught by the white haired troll who lives under the bridge. He’s got it out for us Reinhardt students and makes it a real pain to enjoy the secluded areas of Reinhardt’s campus. Ps. Don’t forget the bread crumbs.

#3. We are going off campus for these next two. Where you might ask? Your local bowling alley of course. Located just fifteen minutes from campus sitting across the road from Cherokee High School. Low on gas you say? No problem. It’s mountainous ‘round here in Cherokee so you can save gas coasting down all of our hills. Problem solved. After entering, count yourself lucky if you see that the alley is participating in the daily ritual of COSMIC BOWLING. You will be advised, however, that “if the use of flashing lights affects you in any way we ask you to leave the building”. Cherokee lanes isn’t only bout big heavy balls and pins though. No sir. A full 18-hole golf course (some call putt-putt), arcades, laser tag, and for all you adults out there a full bar is also available. Oh and one last tip, don’t forget to ask for Shane.

#4. For a closer place of interest, check out the AMC Theater. No money? No worries. Rumor has it that if you time it just right, you can walk right on in, give the people behind the counter a smile, and walk into whichever theater suits your fancy. How easy is that? They simply have no one stationed to collect your tickets. “Rumor has been tested and confirmed.” “Partake at your own risk.”

#5. Last but not least, is Reinhardt’s own pool room. This lovely establishment is open 24/7 for nonstop fun. This room of fun is equipped with two decked out pool tables complete with blue felt; how spirited. Go Eagles! Along with the pool tables, the room sports two Foosball tables, one air hockey table, and plenty of seating including a pair of comfy couches. If that’s not enough, there are two wide screen TVs fixed on ESPN, and last but not least, two brand new pearl blue butterfly ping pong tables. Be on the look-out for some chunks that are already beginning to disappear from the edges of the tables. It appears there might be termite problem in there. Helpful hint: Bring your change; balls are 25 cents and all bets are on.

There you are folks. Shaney B’s top 5 Shane-nanigans, all located on or within 15 minutes of Reinhardt’s campus and all suitable for those of us balling on a budget. So for all of you weekend stayers, let’s get out there cause we are only here once and we might as well make the most of it. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “The true scholar grudges equivocality every opportunity of action passed by, as a loss of power”. Well scholars, it is time to take back your power.

 

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